moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
