I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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