Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
