Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
