I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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