i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
