I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
