When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
