The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I believe in your delicious
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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