we're chasing vodka with high fives
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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