I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
