I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
