My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
His nipple licking is glorious
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
