last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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