Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
