Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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