She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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