my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
