He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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