not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
