new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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