So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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