I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
