Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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