I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
