i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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