The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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