You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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