Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
