Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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