He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
