I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
