why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
a search helicopter?!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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