the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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