I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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