dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
