When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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