how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
