why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
