youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
