i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
