I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
