I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
