Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
