i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
