My boss' voice literally gives me gas
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
