And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My feet surprised me
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