Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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