her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
