i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
