I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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