just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
