I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
