Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
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