He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
